5 Helpful Concepts for Raising Teenaged Sons

     They're gross.  They're crass.  They're stinky.  Yep--they're boys.  For those of us who started with daughters and thought we were pretty good at the Mommy thing, they're downright shocking.  But as I watch and play with my two little nephews, ages six and two, I realize something has changed in me.
     I used to think God had tricked me.  You see, He gave me a daughter first.  I thought things were going well because I was such a great mom.  So I followed the daughter up with two sons.  Things got a little out of hand.  More than a little, maybe.  Their noses kept running and they would just lick it off.  And they wouldn't do anything I said without some form of coercion.  Where were all those magical Mommy skills I thought I had?  And why did God give me two sons when I was obviously cut out to be a girl mom?
     Fast forward several years.  My daughter has grown and gone.  I live with my husband and three teenaged boys.  Yep, three.  I went and added another in the form of an exchange student.  My husband and I have over ten years of youth ministry under our belts.  Our house has been filled with teens since before we had any of our own, and we adore them.  Even the boys.  Well, especially the boys lately.  Which leads me to the point of my list:  Here are five helpful concepts that I have learned the hard way, shared with you nice and easy.
 
      1.  When In Rome (i.e. watch the games they play):  I have watched a tour of one son's "home" on Minecraft, watched a gazillion vines,  appreciated the bass in the car stereo, and learned what FIFA stands for.  For the record, I had zero innate interest in any of those topics.  My interest is in my beloved boys.  Your boys will not feel loved and appreciated until you show appreciation for their interests.  Teens define themselves largely by their interests, and they feel a natural affinity toward those who enjoy the same things.
 

       2.  Take Them With Lot's Wife (i.e., one grain of salt will not be enough):  Teen boys live to get a rise out of people.  Especially female people.  Moms.  You.  It's your goat they really want to get.  When you lose control, they win the upper hand. This form of power is unhealthy for a teenage boy.  He desperately needs to grasp and accept the structures of authority in our society, so that he can succeed in the work world (sorry if that sounds patently anti-adventure).  Perhaps because their powers of self-control are often underdeveloped, teen boys tend to respect those who seem unaffected by their goading and antics.  You have no idea how many undeclared wars I have won by acting like I don't care; and by convincing the boys that I have successfully navigated my young years, and now they must navigate their own.  They have to live with the consequences they merit (and NOT in my house, see #3).  Remember--a calm demeanor is a display of power in their world.  Keep your cool, Mama!

     3.  Boys Will Be Men (i.e., don't fight their fledgling masculinity):  Some of the most aggravating boy traits:  aggression, stubbornness, contentiousness, recklessness, and self-absorption, among other "masculine" traits, are simply the raw materials that you can use to form a wonderful man--a man characterized by the qualities of assertiveness, perseverance, passion, courage, and confidence.  While your instincts may tell you to break these wild boy-beasts, don't do it!  Instead, train them.  Teach them to channel their out-of-control natures into the self-controlled temperament of a Godly man.  When they get too demanding, remind them that they will be leaving your house soon enough--and mean it.  That creature before you is destined to be a man someday, and it's your job to make sure he's a good one.  Prepare him, even push him, to be independent of you.

Riding in a Haitian tap-tap

     4.  It Helps to be Wonder Woman (i.e., have an alternate persona):  Before you were a mother, you were an interesting person.  You had exciting interests and a romantic relationship with your husband.  Don't surrender this "real you" to the demands of motherhood.  Hang in there!  Teens, with their (hopefully) growing independence, should be allowing you more and more time to yourself.  Use it to remember the wonderful woman that you are.  In case you feel guilty missing a soccer game so you can meet with a friend, remember that teens admire parents who have interesting, rich personal lives. They actually brag to their friends about your adventures.  And there will be plenty of soccer games to attend.  Do attend most games.  Don't miss rare events (like art shows) if you can avoid it.  Just remember that you must have more to your life than serving a teenager.  Holding the upper hand in your life develops arrogance in your son.  Humble confidence is a better trait to develop, and humility (being humble, not embarrassed)  comes from having an honest view of himself.

Henry helps with our Maundy Thursday observance

     5.  Don't Hide Jesus in Your Heart (i.e. help him find his own faith):  One of the hardest things for me to do as a Mom Of A Teen has been to allow my older teens to attend a different (but scriptural) church.  However, let me assure you that a teen must develop his own faith, independent of yours, in order for him to carry that faith into his future.  Most boys prefer to quietly follow Mama and Daddy to church each Sunday, mindlessly awaiting the time when they are old enough to decide not to attend.  Make certain you are having conversations in your home that challenge your son to be a man in his spirit.  Live a vibrant, spirit-filled life before his eyes.  Pursue God with your whole heart and life, and your son will know what Christianity truly is.  A son who decides where he wants to attend church has the advantage of actually wanting to be with a faith family.  However, I am not encouraging you to allow your son to choose whether he attends at all.  We go through so much trouble making certain that our sons brush their teeth.  Why on earth would we give them a choice of whether to care for their eternal souls?  Make certain your son hears the Word of God while you are still in a position to do so.  If nothing else, your son will be able to make an informed decision.

     A home where teen boys thrive is, indeed, a boisterous place.  Fill yours with laughter and love, and firm rules.  Read Christian parenting books which focus on firm boundaries in a home.  The concepts which inspired rule #3 came from Bringing Up Boys, by Dr. James Dobson.  Much of my parenting philosophy is guided by John Rosemond, especially his book Parenting By The Book.  However, my biggest influences are The Bible and parents with children older than mine.  I encourage you to find other parents with whom you can openly share your struggles.  My worst parenting moments have been when I allowed shame to keep me from getting good advice from other parents.  Some of my best occurred when I finally spoke up.  Shockingly, many had been through similar experiences!  They helped me toward some of my best parenting moments.  It really does take a village to raise a son.

   

Only Human

     Occasionally, I am a fantastic success as a mother.  Occasionally, I am a miserable failure as a mother.  Usually, I am somewhere in between those two extremes.  An old friend and I used to phone each other when we screwed up and say, "Well, I guess I'm not up for Mother of the Year this year."  That's ok.  I want my children to know that I am imperfect, and that I still struggle toward the image of Christ.  I want them to know my imperfection because they are also imperfect.  Children need to know that their humanity, and their failures, are ok.  That they are still amazingly loved.
     Bridget, my oldest, had a bit of the perfectionist in her as a child.  My heart broke when I would see her dissatisfaction with her artwork.  I made up a little game we would play to relax her.  I would say, "Who is perfect?" And she would reply, "God."  Then I would say, "And who makes art?"  To which she would reply, "Humans."  I would say, "So, should art be perfect?"  And she would say, "No, ma'am."  Generally, Bridget would be able to enjoy her artistic experience after that reminder.  
     As parents, we need to evaluate modern trends for ourselves.  When I look at the drive to convince every child that he is perfect, a hero, and an extra-special winner, I believe we are failing to be honest with them.  Most people are blissfully average.  How can a society function if everyone believes he was born to be a leader?  When children fail to live up to our lofty and unrealistic expectations, what can they tell themselves?  In real life, not everyone gets a trophy.  Leadership generally falls to those who stand out as hard workers, not to those who believe that being special is their birthright.  A child can always come to her mother for love and admiration.  However, I want my children to leave my home aware of the fact that normalcy is perfectly acceptable, and even enjoyable.  If they want me to be proud, they can be Godly men and women, and unselfish spouses if they marry.   Anything more is gravy.
     All that said, I still struggle with my seemingly incessant failings as a mother.  As Jerry and I go through our foster parenting classes, I find myself occasionally dwelling on how insufficient I am sure I will be.  Today, God gave me a gentle reminder of how little He has demanded of me in the formation of my three astonishing children.  We have been reading a portion of The Book of Three each morning before school, but today we had rushed out of the house slightly late.  As we piled into the car, with Kevin driving, I said, "Since we didn't have time to read before we left the house, we will subject Michael to our reading time this morning."  Michael is a neighbor boy who rides to school with us.  
     Henry, a bit embarrassed, said, "My mom reads to us in the mornings."  There was a moment of silence.  I wondered if I had made a mistake.  Then I heard Michael's quiet voice in the back.
     "Lucky."
     Perhaps, just perhaps, I am just good enough.  And that is ok.
  
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THIS EPISODE'S DIY

How to do Lent (When Your Church Doesn't)

     Although we have never been part of  a church that recognizes the Lenten season, we feel that it is incredibly important for Christians to at least recognize Holy Week.  Why do we devote a month to Christmas, yet only a day to Easter, the holiest day of the year?  In case you would like to make much of this holy time of year, here are some of our practices. 

• We begin on Ash Wednesday.  Some years, Jerry will anoint our foreheads with oil or ashes, and we will pray together.  Other years, we simply read about Christ's temptation (eg. Luke 4: 1-13) and discuss our lenten sacrifices.  
• On Sundays, we have special scripture readings.  We choose scriptures which highlight Christ's life and ministry, such as Luke 5:29-32.  This year, we also made a crown of thorns of sorts, using a twig wreath set in the middle of the table with a jar of toothpicks in the middle.  Whenever the Spirit shows us a sin we've committed, we quietly go to the crown and add a thorn.  
• We make an Easter garden.  I got this idea from Pinterest.  I found two wonderful websites for information:

our garden, pre-sprouts

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2009/03/make-easter-garden-visual-parable/

http://www.colleenhammond.com/family-life/craft-easter-garden/

Ours looks more like the second but is carried out like the first.  We finish with a butterfly and scriptures on the empty (now open) tomb on Easter morn.  

• Put palm branches on your walkway on Palm Sunday, or just each carry one to church.  Bring some for friends if you'd like!  People love to join a celebration.

• We have done a family Maundy Thursday celebration for several years now.  Jerry serves us the Lord's Supper (communion), and reads the last supper scriptures to us, where Jesus washes the feet of the disciples.  The Lord's Supper is shared as it goes along with the scripture.  We use pita bread and real wine, but you can use Wonder bread and juice if you want!  We share a large glass, and the whole thing is done by candle light.  It all feels so holy...the kids are mesmerized, even as teenagers.  Last year, some dear friends joined us, making the whole thing that much holier.  What a gift!
• This year, I will be trying some ideas from Get A Sense of the Resurrection, on this website:  http://impressyourkids.org/a-sense-of-the-resurrection/ .  I am especially excited about the diffusers to illustrate the story of the woman anointing Christ's feet with perfume.

• On Easter, we go to church in the morning, enjoy a meal with the extended family, and settle in for the day.  That evening, we do Resurrection Eggs.  We use a set I made myself, using ideas I collected online from researching several sets.  I suggest you make a personalized set, too.  However, any set is better than none!  

Why do you search for the Living among the dead?  He is not here, He has risen! (Luke 24:5-6)

HE HAS RISEN INDEED!